You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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