I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize