so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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