and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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