remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
