so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
