Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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