I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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