I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
