Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
