I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
