Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize