I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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