I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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