my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
