In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
