I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
