Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize