Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
