I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
