You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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