just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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