Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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