I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
