Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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