We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
