They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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