I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There's even glitter on my cock...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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