Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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