Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
