Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There r osticjed everywhere
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize