People in love make me want to vomit
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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