there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
