After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
