it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
