And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
tell me about the eggs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
