He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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