You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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