Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
