My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize