wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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