My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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