at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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