i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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