im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
