Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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