thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
