I just threw up on my dentist
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize