i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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