two words...techno handjob
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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