This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
