I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
