All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
