Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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