Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
send nudes
from the living room?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
