My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
