I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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