My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
