I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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