Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
