Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
