never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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