I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
